Another Clean Slate

January 22nd

2012-01-22T10:50:00.000-08:00

It's a Sunday afternoon, I have no desire to get out of bed at all. I feel moody and I just want to be left alone. I want to go see the bf at his place but I don't want to move right now. I'm also so depressed about school, I'm afraid I'm going to do so horribly in my current module. I have an exam Tuesday, I'm not prepared, my energy level is so low. I just want to stay in bed and cry. To top it all off, my birthday is Thursday and I just hate that I'm another year older but I feel so frigging stupid.
I just want life to get better, but all I can do is sit here and sob.

January 18th

2012-01-18T18:09:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling worse than ever lately. I feel tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I get, I feel fat, my skin is breaking out and I am frustrated with school. I just want to say screw it and just get a full time job, I'm just really on the verge of tears all the time. My back has been KILLING me, my family doctor says I have the back of a 90 year old and she got me in for x-rays today. I had a round of 8 x-rays on all parts of my spine and shoulders, I hope they can give me something I can do to help fix it because every day I go through so much pain I literally almost throw up. It hurts so badly I just want to stay in bed with a heating pad and cry, every day, I can't concentrate on my school work and my grades are dropping because of it. I have so many distractions because of it. I just hope I can get the answers I need from the x-ray results and maybe get to a chiropractor or do physio, they mentioned getting surgery to reduce my chest size, but I really want to keep them, I don;t care if I need a back brace, I need this fixed :(

January 8th

2012-01-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

Today I'm feeling alone, I'm not sure why, but I just want to curl up in my bed and cry. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I feel lonely, but I want to be left alone, if that makes any sense.
I feel like I have two types of friends, the ones I can have fun with and the ones I can confide in. I don't have anyone I can do both with. I wish I had a few good friends who'd see me through good and bad times. Is it so much to ask for to have one good friend? Someone I can trust? It feels like lately, almost everyone I've put trust in has deceived me.
I've been doing things to try and help other people, to become a better person but it feels like there's someone else ready to jump in and take the credit. I didnt do these things for the credit, I did them because I wanted to help. It hurts when someone takes credit for something you've worked hard on. It hurts to know that work I've done, someone else is greedily grabbing credit for.
I always thought I was a good person, but lately I feel like a greedy piece of crap.

Maybe I deserve to feel lonely and sad.

January 6th

2012-01-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

Blah, my new year is off to a crappy start! I went back to class on the 3rd and on lunch break, I was waiting in my classmates car for him to come out of Tim Hortons with his coffee and the car gets sideswiped on the passenger side. I was sick and worn out Wednesday so I stayed home from class, then today I had a horrible final exam and got told off by a woman at Wal-Mart because her child was running around and ran into the basket I was holding, the kid was fine, but the woman was pissed at me..wtf? Maybe if you didn't let your 4 year olds run around the store. I mean, I was stopped and I moved as far out of the way as I could, what was I supposed to do? Run away or jump on top of one of the shelves? ugh.

But that's it!

This year will be my last year in school, I finish in December, I'm not excited, but scared as hell. Then I have to go back into the real world I guess.

I'm at Ted's place right now escaping from my dog, the past week I haven't been able to sleep well, and Beau crucified me whenever I tried to sleep. I'm hoping tonight I should be ok. *sigh*

January 5th

2012-01-04T21:03:00.000-08:00

So In a few weeks I'll be 29 (oh dear)
I'm not even close to where I wanted to be by 29. I'm still in school, unmarried, no kids, no apartment, no self esteem and I'm fat and poor. I feel like a real loser and there's no way I can make myself feel better. I've been sick and it feels like I am falling behind at school. I am so stressed I eat, and I'm stressed because I am fat. Vicious cycle.

I am hoping to start this new year without any craziness of last year, no more insanity. I want to go to the gym more and generally be a happier person. It just feels so difficult right now though. I feel like an old loser. :(

Dear Santa

2011-12-20T17:45:00.000-08:00

I guess I'll make my un-realistic Christmas list here:

* urban decay naked palette, normal and the Naked2 palette
* Some nice fuzzy, slip on uggs, I know they're ugg-ly, but I'd love a pair of grey or sand ones.
* extra large warm fuzzy Jammies
* Revlon 'whimsical' nail polish (it's blue with big glitter <3's it!)
* Muppets Opi 'gone gonzo'
* China Glaze 'love marilyn' from the eye candy collection
* and an Eeyore Christmas tree ornament, ( I love all things Eeyore)

I know I sound horribly greedy, but it's my list, maybe if I hadn't been such a selfish booger all year the wonderful Santa would bring me everything on my list. Maybe next year I'll win the lottery (or $300-400 to buy it all myself sans medical stuffs of course!)

*** Santa was good to me this year, I appreciate all my giftys :) Edited for what I received and what I don't want/need. Maybe my birthday will bring me more stuffies :)

October 2nd

2011-10-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

I had a rather large important exam Friday, I hope I passed :( I'm debating cancelling my trip this weekend, it feels like the trip is pushing everything in my life. I hope to sell some school books and get some money back as well. Blah, everything has been so strange and I've felt so lonely. I hate this feeling, and I wish I could make everything in my life better, like I could wake up and see this was all just a bad dream.
I feel like I am so far behind my friends, everyone I grew up with is married and has kids and I'm living at my parents going to school. :(

September 11th

2011-09-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

It's September 11th, ten years after the terrorist attacks. I haven't posted in a while, but I figure why not update.
\I'm back at my parents house, it sucks. I feel so lonely lately, I wish I had someone to cuddle late at night. :(
I had my radiation for my thyroid, missed some school, and fell behind a little in school. Everything is ok now.
A person from my past came back in to my life, only to leave again, I can't say I'm surprised, but that's my life for you. If there is a God he loves teasing me, putting things I want so bad just outside of my reach.

May 23rd 2011

2011-05-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

Happy long weekend (if this is a long weekend for you!)
I'm just writing to update you on everything (anyone listening?)
I'm doing well in school *yay*
I know what I want to do with my life
I want a puppy!!(or a really cute ratlet)
I've been painting my nails a lot more lately
I have scoliosis (and graves disease AND an anxiety disorder) I'm a mess
I have a little brother whom I love and if anyone hurts him I'll kick them in the box
(did I mention this blog was going to be all about me?)
One of the rats peed in my purse today, from like a foot away, yep that takes talent
And yeah, there's nothing much new
Blurp, back to school tomorrow! <3 everyone

May 22nd 2011

2011-05-22T19:19:00.001-07:00

So the world didn't end yesterday. Oh well!
I have been in school over a month now and it's starting to get a little more complicated. Doing computer fundamentals. You know all the stuff you thought you knew? Bah, pain in the arse! I still haven't gotten my living allowance yet :( Boo Oh well, that's it for me for today.
Oh before I go I have been buying more nail polishes, my new obsession...too bloody expensive though :(

May 5th :p

2011-05-05T05:53:00.000-07:00

So I have been away for a while, but I have a good reason!! i have been in school since April 11th (funding came through YAY!!). I've been looking for part time work and I have been up to my eyeballs in bills GRR!!
There's nothing new with me really, I just thought I'd check in and let you know I'm still alive :p

March 20th

2011-03-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

So it's been a month and nothing has changed. I am in the same situation I was in last month, I am still collecting my EI which runs out in May, I have no word on what is happening with school yet though I did hear from the admissions officer who wants me to come in for orientation on April 7th. I am not even sure if I should even go in to tell you the truth because I don't know if I should collect my school swag if I don't know if I can even pay my tuition.

I've been looking for work but having zero luck what-so-ever, most jobs are minimum wage and I cannot even afford to work for min wage.

The smell in the apartment has finally disappeared (THANK GOD)

I have been feeling so lonely lately too and would give anything to just have a nice phone call from a friend. I really feel alone and sad :( My body physically hurts all the time, I want to go to the gym again but I seriously feel like a big fat slob. Yes, I know going to the gym will fix that but I really have no drive at all. I would love to have a nice in-depth chat with someone about anything. Movies, music, tv, ANYTHING!!

My car windshield got smashed by a stone so now I have a huge crack running from the bottom of the windshield half way up the glass F***!!!!! I also need to get my back brake rotors refinished so they will stop squealing and I haven't the money to get it done, well I have money, but the little I have I am clinging to so I will have something in case I can't find a job, my EI runs out and I don't get into school (with my luck that's what will happen).

My heart is not in anything I do, not my art, writing, nothing. I have tonnes of movies and not one do I have interest in watching.

There is so much I wanted to do in life and now it feels like I can't do any of it. I can't have kids, I can't be happy and I can't get married. It makes me wonder what I did to deserve all this bad luck. Is it because of the drama with my fiances ex? Is it the way I dumped my ex? Is is the karma for the horrible fate of my poor dog Shadow? God I miss her so much :( I don't understand how people can be so cruel to put down a beautiful friendly dog just because I didn't have a dog kennel in my back yard. I live with the guilt that I couldn't afford to put down a cement floor and put a cage out there every day, I think of her in the vets office alone and scared without a friend in the world, I let her down and I never want any animal to ever have to go through that. My heart feels like it's been hauled out and destroyed every time I think of her.

So now here I go again, alone, depressed and broke

Feb 20th

2011-02-20T02:27:00.000-08:00

Blah, that's all I can really say about my life lately. At my apartment there has been a horrendous foul smell, my landlord has gotten the septic tank pumped and the lines flushed, but after a few days the smell was back full force..his solution.."Well if it bothers you that much, I don't want to see you move, because you're good tenants, but you can always move"..umm..yes, that will most certainly clear up the smell..ummhmm...It's not like I am the only person to smell it, my fiancee smells it, his brother, my dad, everyone who's set foot in the house has! So I am pretty sure that if someone new moves in they'll smell it too.

There's been a decent snowfall the past few weeks, considering we had a brown Christmas it's about time we got snow. I like snow, it makes everything look fresh and clean, well until the plows go around, those guys just make it all messy.

I've found the past few weeks I don't feel loved at all, not by friends, my significant other, family, nobody! It feels terrible to be this lonely, especially when you are feeling sick and depressed. Ive been on Cipralex for the past year almost and it doesn't seem to be working, I cry at the drop of the hat, get insanely moody and just want space to be alone. And with everything going on now between not working and collecting my E.I. and waiting to see if I can get the funding for school in April I just want to cry. I have a bottle of Ativan and luckily I have yet to use it, my doctor gave it to me for the "Difficult" days and it seems those days are coming full force.

With neither myself or the mister working we have very little money, which breaks my heart because I thought by this age I would have done more with my life. I wanted to be married and have kids by 30 and right now the chance of that seems to be dimming.

I've been having some messed up dreams lately that have been causing me grief, one dream I was pregnant, had a baby and was laying in the bed with the baby in my arms all wrapped in its blanket. Suddenly out of nowhere the baby just dies and turns to dust, I wake up screaming and crying and can't help but feel like it's a sign.

Well on another note, the ratties are doing well and Beaus ear infection seems to be going away. We've been cleaning his ear and using the drops the vet prescribed, he hates it, but that's life!

Oh well, I guess I'll get to my laundry and cleaning. I wish I didn't feel so alone :(

February 3rd

2011-02-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here watching Iron Chef America and basking in the glow of my newly purchased "Juicy Apple" candles, best $15 ever spent at Wal-Mart. It's been a long cold day so it's nice to just be relaxing here at home.

I've been slacking with my working out, I did some weights and some squats/lunges last night, been eating like a horse as well. I have been feeling pretty down lately and I guess I am eating to cover up the way I have been feeling. I'm depressed because by now I should be excited for school and be doing my back to school shopping for the 14th, but nooo..I got an email saying HRLE ran out of money for the 2010-2011 fiscal year so I have to wait until March for them to review the 2011-2012 budget so I can possibly get my funding then. So maybe by April I will have my answers. April seems so far away and my Employment Insurance Benefits run out the first week of May so I have my fingers crossed because I can't go any later than April.

There isn't much new with my life lately, I sleep, eat, watch t.v. and play stupid facebook games to fill my time.I'm thinking about making peanut butter cups tonight, blah. Well away I go!

Friends?

2011-01-17T07:43:00.000-08:00

So lately I have been noticing I have way fewer "real" friends than I thought. I have a few of the "only calls when they want something" friends, and it seems most of my friends don't give a crap what I do or what happens to me. It's pretty bad when your significant other actually notices and "likes" my facebook status because "Nobody else seems to give a s**t".

I feel really discouraged and depressed lately because the waiting I'm doing to find out if I'll even get my funding is killing me, I am not the kind of person who likes to sit by idly and wait for someone else to do something about it. I try so hard to find things I can do to kill time and keep my mind occupied but with the weather deteriorating it's hard to get out into town.

The gym I go to is so bloody far away that the thought of going first thing in the morning makes me want to curl up in bed and say screw it. Also my gym gets insanely busy after 11:00 a.m. so if I want to go I have to go between 5:00 am and 8:00 am if I want to get some good time in.My gym buddies schedules and mine don't match up anymore and that's sad because I really enjoyed going with them :(

I'm still surprised Christmas came and went so fast, it seems the older we get the faster time goes by, and that scares the crap out of me! I can't wait to have kids of my own to shop for and celebrate for, I don't even like getting presents anymore. not that I don't like getting gifts, I'd just rather buy gifts for someone else,*sigh*. Oh well, think I'll go get some tea and relax by the window like a fat house cat!

The Waiting Game

2011-01-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

So my college application is in and I've been accepted, my application for HRLE funding is in, now I have to wait!! The worst part is, they usually wait until right before school is scheduled to start to let you know if you've been approved. My start date is Feb 14th (kind of ironic?) If I get turned down there will be no love from me to HRLE!! I've been worrying my backside off as to whether I'll get enough to pay my bills and my tuition while I'm in school but I was told by my Career Coucillor at the Y that I shouldn't worry and that most people who apply get approved and you can always appeal if you need more money for living expenses. Living on my own I have so many bills right now I'm stressing on how I'll pay them now. I can't imagine how I will feel when my E.I. runs out. Good gravy I am stressed :(

And then there was one

2010-12-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been feeling really alone, more alone than I have felt in a long time. It's just this feeling like I have no one to relate to, no one who knows what it's like to be battling depression, anxiety and graves disease and to try and lose weight at the same time. I feel like a complete failure and it sucks.

I have my application filled out for my funding, after almost 5 months of research, job hunting, everything I finally get to send in my application!! If all goes as planned I could be in school as soon as February and that terrifies the crap out of me. I have been out of school since 2007 and it scares me to think I will be thrust back into a school full of people younger than me, mainly I am afraid it will be a high school environment, the same environment I fought so hard to be done with.

The ratties are doing well, Dixie and Darla did manage to EAT a pillow case, needless to say my fiance wasn't too impressed with that. I switched them from Critter Care to Carefresh Ultra in hopes that it would be easier on Dixie, her sneezing has subsided to almost nothing since I switched them. Though the little devils came out of their hammock when I was cleaning the cage and not being able to get to their litter they peed on the fleece I put on the cage shelf. I had to go out today and pick up some more blankets from the dollar store.

The dryer died on me a week or so ago, I had to go to my parents house last night and dry all my clothes, after four hours I finally finished.

Stewie is doing well as well, I got to see her last night when I was visiting, she's getting so old it breaks my heart, she is roughly 6 years old so I wonder if I will get a call from Mom saying Stewie passed :(

Argh, Christmas is coming so fast it's not even funny, I have the majority of my shopping done but I still have to buy for my fiance. I have no idea what I can get him! He's so hard to buy for and I have a VERY limited budget with my income being so low :( I have managed ok since I first started my EI in August, but it's terrifying to learn that if I go back to school my income will be even lower. I'm hoping we'll get out home heating rebate soon and that I'll get a refund I have been waiting in.

Oh, I have a new found obsession with the Snyder's pretzel thingies, NOM NOM!! I love the Hot Buffalo Wings Pieces, they have me drooling just thinking about 'em. I want to try all the flavors! They have a Honey Mustard & Onion flavor I'd love to try as well as a Southern Style Barbecue Pretzel Pieces...oh food!!

Anyway, off to take a nap, no sleep at all last night! TTYL world!

Motivation

2010-11-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

So I have a few friends who have been joining me at the gym. I find myself barking at them to help motivate them yet I, myself, can't seem to push myself to my limits. I can jog for 5 solid minutes now which beats me out. I hate this being so out of shape because of my illness. I wish I could do more. I am, however going to sign up to become a fitness trainer in January at my gym, so I guess that will push me a little to get in better shape.

I have to get my mind set on what I want to do in college now as well. I have to have research done and be able to answer a multitude of questions with my career counselor at the Y. I NEED to go back to school so badly. I kind of want to do Accounting, Payroll Business Administration and finally get my diploma so I can begin searching for a career in the field. Oh the stress!!

Dixie and Darla are growing so fast. It seems like I blink and they are bigger. The rats are such sweethearts though and I love them very much!

Allergies

2010-11-07T15:52:00.000-08:00

Blah, my allergies are acting up. I am deathly allergic to my ratties but I can't bear to be without some! I have two now, Dixie and Darla whom I ADORE!!! They love mashed potatoes as well..go figure..I've been sneaking them small treats now and then and they are starting to warm up to me. They're still babies so I forgive them for the poops and peeps on me haha. I put a towel on the top level of their cage and folded it in half, I tucked the edges out and wove them between the bars so the towel won't fall if they wrestle between the layers. They love love love the towel.

I've been feeling under the weather the past week, since I dyed my hair I got a horrible allergic reaction to a small amount of dye I got in my eye, it made my eye swell and a egg white like mucous completely blinded me for two days. My doctor gave me a prescription for eye drops if it didn't clear, but a day or so after and my eye was just a little red.

The past few days I have been feeling worse than I have in a long while, my sinuses are constantly blocked, I have this overwhelming feeling of being warm and sweaty in a cold room. I have no appetite what-so-ever, but when I do eat I eat a LOT. I just finished off an entire tub of cool whip :S

I'm still working on getting funding to go to school, I have my job search tracking sheet filled out, actually I have five sheets completed. I hope that shows my counselor that I have been working my arse off. If I can get the funding to go to school all my hard work will be worth it, I can't afford to work for minimum wage and pay my bills. Luckily I have no credit cards any more, no loans..all my debts are paid except my one semester of student loans and thank goodness I qualify for the re-payment assistance, I don't have to make another payment for 6 months.

Gah, anyway I am going to head to bed and try and sleep off this illness. I could really use a fried right now :(

Two Weeks

2010-10-31T11:14:00.000-07:00

So after faithfully going to the gym for two weeks my belly is down 2 inches, still huge and I want to lose at least another 8-10 inches. Weight hasn't changed though, which makes me sad and I feel a little discouraged. I've been doing a lot of running, I started being able to do 3 or 4 sets on 5 minutes, now I do an eight minute with like 3 or 4 walking, ten minutes then 3 or 4 walking, then another eight and a five minute cool down. I also did the recumbant bike at the gym, yay for the YMCA/YWCA! Luckily they have a membership assistance program for people with limited income like myself, I pay $11 a month and they have almost all the same equipment as the bigger gyms i.e. Goodlife & Global. They also have a new facility opening next year with a pool! They aren't terribly busy, though there are a lot of programs for kids, they have a City Stars Basketball league so there are always little kids running around, and they have a daycare. The YMCA/YWCA has a bunch of new programs for adults too, zumba, bootcamp, cardio fit cycling, and a martial arts class. The classes are all free with a membership so I may try some of them.

Everything in my life has stayed the same the past few weeks, I drive my fiance and mom to work and pick them up every day. I have been trying to budget for my xmas shopping but it seems there is always a bill to take away my savings. Right now I have to get my tires changed over and get my car seats cleaned, The seats I can probably do myself, but it's almost as expensive as getting it done professionally. To rent the machine from Sobey's is $27.99 + $3.00 for the hand attachments +$7.99 for the upholstery cleaner and then you add tax!! ARGH To get it done at Pit Crew it's only $75+tax. Makes me wonder if I should leave it to the professionals.

I am so glad I can get my E.I until May (THANK GOD!!!) It gives me a chance to enjoy the winter and not having to go anywhere. My Fiance gets laid off in December and hopes to join the Military Police in April so hopefully that will all go well.

Where have all the trick or treaters gone? It's Halloween and I haven't seen a one!! I wanna see kids in costumes. They make my heart all warm and fuzzy :) I love kids and I want to have a few myself someday so hopefully I can get better and start planning. Right now if I were to get pregnant the fetus would be either deformed or stillborn from my medication and I really want kids some day :( It breaks my heart to think of something like that happening. I'm jealous of my friends having babies and getting married. Oh well, maybe someday!

And I Ruuuuuuun....

2010-10-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

So the past few weeks I have taken up running, well jogging, you know what I mean. Myself and the mister have been running in the park, I started out running for barely a minute, a few days ago I ran a whole three minutes and yesterday at the gym I ran three bursts of 5 minutes and one two minute sprint. I have 30-40 pounds to lose and I am hoping to get to the gym at least 4 days a week and get some good cardio as well as watching what I eat. I feel like I keep getting bigger and bigger and I feel like such a tub of lard. I'll probably update as I go. Today I took my measurements and I threw up a little in my mouth when I realized how big I am. I don't know if running will do anything to help the weight melt off or if it will just help tone my legs. Gah, this sucks arse!!

Frustration :(

2010-08-26T05:02:00.000-07:00

Why is it some people thrive on complaining about you to you?? I find lately all I hear is "you're fat" "lose weight" "You talk too much" "You complain too much" "You're home all day, why don't you do anything?" I mean it's at the point now where I think I'll keep my weight on FOR SPITE. I get so angry and frustrated with the constant criticism that I honestly want to do exactly what's annoying the person and keep it up. I mean FFS! >:(

There's so much roadwork going on lately I think my car is paying the price, they cut up big slabs of pavement and just leave it like that, our streets have been cut since Monday and they still aren't patched. I wonder sometimes if it really is that much cheaper to just do a patch because as soon as winter comes and the ground freezes and thaws a few times the plow trucks catch the seam of the pavement and rip it all up again. They re-paved the road a few months ago, they should have just kept going!!

I've been painting my nails more often lately :D I like constantly changing the colors to just change things up. I find since I have been off work I wear big baggy t-shirts and work out pants more often. I think it's making it easier to gain weight because you have to gain a lot to outgrow the elastic waistband.

The past few days I have been so sick, my neck has been swollen, and I have been so sleepy, I am starting to think maybe I should just get the radiation done, I mean I'll still be on meds, but I dunno. My thyroid issues are just starting to get me down, they make in increasingly difficult to lose any weight without outright starving myself. I'm half tempted to do a juice cleanse, yes I know they are bad for you, but I just, I dunno, I'm getting sick of being this fat and miserable. Even running makes me sick, my ribs hurt and I can't breathe. I've been at it a week now and nothing has changed.

No title for me :(

2010-08-24T07:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt that for every one good thing that happens seven bad things knock you right back on your ass?

The past few days I have gotten devastating news, don't want to divulge it, but it's compromising mine and my fiancees future. My heart is broken and I couldn't be more upset if I tried.

I want nothing more in life than to see my guy happy, and he can't be, it's like no matter what, he is always set up for failure. Not by his own doing by any means, but because of decisions that he made in haste that came back to bite him in the backside.

It seems like we can't get ahead, that we are both set up for failure. My heart is breaking and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

I've been missing Harley a lot lately, my poor pony. I wonder what ever happened to him, where he is now. Oh what I would give to have him back.

I was looking forward to the future with my fiancee, now I don't see us managing to drag ourselves out of this hole. It's depressing that our lives will never turn out the way we planned. It's just enough to drive you around the bend.

I always saw us moving away, having a house in the country and starting a family, now it seems like that dream is just that, a dream. I'm afraid I will be stuck here in Newfoundland forever.

All good things must come to an end :(

2010-07-11T12:44:00.001-07:00

So I found out a few days ago my job will be ending the end of July (BOOOOO) . The best paying job that gave me the most free time and let me meet lots of nice people. Now there is a bright side I guess, I have something called graves disease and I have been struggling with it for the past ten years, ups and downs. Now I am hoping I will get a lay off from the company, get my E.I. benefits and see if I can get government funding to go back to school.

So much has changed for me in the past few weeks, I found out Friday that my man got accepted into the next phase with the RCMP, he has to fill out some forms and do his PARE in September and I am nervous for him. I am hoping everything will go well. Right now he's not sure if he wants to go with the EPS or the RCMP.

It's been hot the past three days, it's about time though because it's been a miserably cold summer so far. It hit 30 degrees Celsius the day before yesterday and it's been mid 20's yesterday and today. It's pouring outside right now and the rain is making me happy, how weird is that?

Anyway, I guess no one reads this anyway so I might as well end here and maybe have some exciting updates eventually!

Wii Active

2010-04-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

So today will be day two of my wii active exercise program. Just something to try anyway! I want to get my weight down and my fitness level up. Right now I am up 45 pounds from where I want to be and I am hoping doing the wii active on the days scheduled on my game and then running (getting into it) will maybe help me knock off a few pounds. I am hoping to upgrade to the next wii active disc but right now I am hoping to hold on to some money until myself and my fiance get on track budget wise. $50 doesn't seem like a lot but it is a full tank of gas and with my fiance working all the way in Kelligrews and me burning through a tank and a half a week it really adds up. If I can get 20 pounds gone in the next few months I'll be VERY happy. I know with my being sick and all it makes it difficult to get in shape, they up my meds, slow my heart and my metabolism and bam extra 10 pounds pops on my arse..DAMMIT!

If I exercise and even get myself in shape the weight doesn't matter, I just want my clothes to fit well and to feel better about myself.

Times Change

2010-04-16T05:58:00.001-07:00

The past month has been a bit insane.

My old boss disappeared at Topsail Beach, drowned and then washed ashore 9 days later, the old church here was destroyed by vandals and most recently my brothers old boss Mr. Jon Lein passed away. Hard times. And to top it all off, you know on Facebook where they suggest friends? Well my Aunt who passed away a year ago keeps popping up as one of those "You may know" people. DAMN, not that I want to forget her, but it's so hard to see her name pop up every day like that.

I was also on a local website that had some music videos posted, I saw one that disturbed me, one of my favorite musicians songs had been butchered by Neil Young and Dave Matthews, I like both musicians but ugh..horrible!!

There is a recall on my car (SHIT). The power steering pump needs to be replaced, luckily I don't have to pay for it!

Easter sucked, I got a cute pair of earrings from mom, they were little Dumbos! yay!

I have been working 6 days a week non stop, my car has gained like 20,000 kms since September :S eeeeeep, not good for the warranty!

I kind of want to spend the night on the island this weekend. I haven't gotten to see my fellas mom in a long time, I mean yes I saw her last weekend for like 5 mins, but I miss talking to her, she's a doll. I just miss being on the island, it's just a break from reality. I get to stay clear or double laned roads, stoplights, and it's just generally a more peaceful environment.

The past little while the Bell Island Ferry has been horrible, the people on the island have to deal with the crappy schedule and bad weather. If they would just upgrade the boats there wouldn't be so much trouble. They should just build a bridge, people don't realize how many people actually live there and the amount of visitors in the summer that turn around and go home just because the boat line up is insanely long. There have been times we have had to wait upwards of 4 hours in that line up!

Grr..anyway, I am gonna go relax. I have to pick Mom up from work soon and I am so frigging tired.

Don't know why I feel this way

2010-03-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was on my fiancees facebook checking his farmville account for him. I harvested a few things, plowed..whatever. Anyway I forgot I was on his profile and saw there was a message (thinking it was mine). I checked the message and found a conversation between him and some other girl planning a day downtown doing "Tacky tourist" things and then going to Don Cherry's for supper. When I realized it wasn't meant for me I felt immediately enraged..Why I don't know, well I guess it was because I felt like he was planning a date, never mentioned me, and since my ex Jon cheated on me I kind of feared the worst.

Maybe it's my trust issues, but I can't shake this feeling that this other girl is trying to move in on him. I dunno..I just can't help but feel left out. I finally asked him about it, he said they wanted to go hang out downtown, and that I could come to dinner with them..Yeah that would feel weird, sounds like he's afraid I'll be a third wheel. I feel tempted to look and see if there are any new messages, but at the same time I am not sure if I want to look. I'm kind of afraid of what I'll find.

Just another one of those days!

2010-02-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

So for some stupid reason someone decided to hack my photobucket account as well as my facebook and hotmail. To say I am pissed off is an understatement. I have a sneaking suspicion that it is Ted's ex again. I swear she is nuts in the head! After all the crap she has put me through I honestly CANNOT wait to move to Edmonton with Teddy, I have a few friends in Alberta that I would love to see again, as well as Ted's sister and her husband and son. I'm really hoping to start a new life there without some drag queen psycho ex stalker beast harassing myself and Ted.

So today I formatted my computer right down to the factory settings, cleaned the house, washed clothes and gutted my car. My car was such a mess, though the outside is still covered in salt I didn't bother washing it because I know between here and work in the morning it'll be a mess again, I just scrubbed the headlights, taillights and the windows.

I'm working 6 days a week now which keeps me really busy but on the bright side I get a HUGE cheque every other week. Now I will get my bills paid off and with any luck I'll be able to order some stuff online and get a new cell, mine's about toast now.

Ahh well, off to get ready for bed..at 7:00 pm, gross :(

Twice in a row? That's a record

2010-01-02T12:25:00.001-08:00

So yeah, it's me again. I am wrapped in a snuggie wondering where my 11 days off went. I have to head back to work on Monday, and I don't want to! I wish I could stay home and relax, and make myself feel better. These past few days have been great, but they flew by.

I lost some weight this past year, I lost 4o pounds to be exact. I still have 27 to go before I'll be happy. I don't feel happy in general now, I feel miserable.

I haven't seen Dr.Slade in months, I miss being able to open up to her. She seems to be the only one who knows what I am going through. I haven't been on my medication in months and I think that's half the reason I feel as screwed up as I am.I want to make an appointment to go see her again but my work is making it difficult. I can't have time off without giving two weeks notice and the worst part is, the only time they can fit me in is on short notice and my employers don't allow it.

In other news my cell is on the fritz, the damn thing wears out after 3 hours on stand by, STAND BY!! WTF?? Argh!

There isn't much news, my brother is stranded in Bedford, NS, he and his gf were booked on a flight today but the 40 cms of snow had other plans. He won't be home until tomorrow, and that makes me sad because I was hoping to go for a coffee with him before I go back to work. I miss my brother, we used to be so close, he used to tell me everything, and I did the same. Now I never see him, and I miss him. I wish we could go back to the way things used to be.

Things with my fella are getting...well..weird. I can't even try to explain it..:(

>:(

2010-01-01T13:07:00.000-08:00

Kinda in a pissy mood, 2010 is off to a dandy start!!! >:(

I wanted to spend New Years eve with my fiancee, just myself and him and the fireworks on t.v. For some stupid reason he wanted his brother over the whole weekend!!

To put things in perspective, his brother came over every weekend for the past few months (besides christmas weekend). He messes up the house, and he stinks to the high heavens. He sticks gum on the coffee tables and generally, is just lazy as fuck. All he does when he comes over is play on my Fiancees PS3. He got a PS3 for Christmas, so he doesn't have to come here to play anymore, and besides I like to watch t.v!

So I told my Fiancee several times I didn't want him over this weekend because it is New Years, and my last weekend before I head back to work. AND The 11 days I was off for Christmas I was visited by *ahem* Aunt Dot..*ahem* So I would have enjoyed some private quality time with my man.

ANYWAY!! >:( To make a long story short, he's mad because his mom is pissed, and I am just frigging pissed off because everyone is blaming me. I didn't want to pick gum from the coffee table and spend the last weekend off with a little brat that mouths off all the time. And every time he's here he leaves a nasty smell in the living room, he farts constantly, doesn't brush his teeth, eats junk and doesn't use deodorant or shower. YUCKY! I don't want that in my house! I'm grossed out!

Marley & Me

2009-06-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

So I bought the book "Marley & Me" last summer..and a week ago Beau ATE it! How ironic! A Labrador Retriever ate a book about a bad Labrador Retriever! Bless his little heart >:(

Not Enough Guardian angels

2008-11-22T21:34:00.000-08:00

So today I was online a fair bit today and came across the Heavenly Creatures website along with the S.P.C.A website. The story of Charlie the cat caught my eye..more like filled my eyes with tears. It just makes me so sad to see these helpless animals being abused so horribly.If people can't look after their animals they shouldn't have them in the first place. By rights I shouldn't even go on these sites, but I get drawn in and I end up reading stories about animals that have been through such a hard time. I wish I could take them all and feed them and look after them and make it all all right..:(

When All The Memories Have Faded

2008-11-18T18:16:00.000-08:00

So it's that time of year again, the wonderful festive season. Soon there will be snow and mistletoe and I'll probably spend all the holidays crying while basking in the glow of the Christmas tree lights. I don't know why but this time of year I always end up completely miserable and depressed. It could be that bad things always happen to me around this time.

I've spent the past day or so reminiscing , thinking about days gone by. Even last summer (2007), I'm finding more and more every day that I wish I could go back and re-live those memories. Anyway I am going to go to bed, work in the a.m.

Fresh

2008-11-15T22:19:00.000-08:00

It's 2:45am on a Sunday morning. I'd be in bed except I have to pick up Teddy in 45 minutes.

I was on the job bank a few minutes ago and I saw a job I might apply for, I need more money. I love my current job but I just need to make more than minimum wage. You know the feeling, too many bills and not enough income to satisfy them. The job is assembling electronics, It might be decent, I dunno. This past year has been chaotic to say the least. I have had a few too many jobs and after being sick and having lots of family issues I think I am back on track. I am hoping to have all my bills paid off by next year, I am keeping my fingers crossed by I am not holding my breath!

Winter is coming so what better time to start fresh. Christmas is about seven weeks away and I have no shopping done. This will be my first Christmas away from the comforts of home, 25 years of living with my parents I am on my own and I am scared as heck. I will be cooking a turkey by myself and trying to get all the baking done, I am terrified. If anyone has any advice please pass it along! I could use all the help I can get. :)

New Blog

2008-11-15T22:12:00.000-08:00

After many failed attempts at blogging I figured I would give it one more go, this time a public blog..eeep!

I just needed to find a place to have a general outpouring of my feelings, be it anger or happiness. Anyway, enough explaining, I'll get back to the blogging :)